Today God told me that the hidden girls that He had me praying for were NO LONGER HIDDEN!
Before I explain let me first say that I am a flawed individual who knows God’s grace has no boundaries and never stops short.
In 2010 God placed it on my heart to pray earnestly for kidnapped teens. I prayed for them, not knowing them at all but knowing that they were out there. I prayed with tears in my eyes and pain in my chest from the long-suffering I could perceive. I pleaded that God would give them what they needed to survive and that He would make a way for a rescue! I asked Him if He could tell me when they were freed.
At the same time, God laid it on my heart to revisit my past so that I may receive even deeper healing myself and become the vessel God needs me to be for others. In response I wrote a poem. A LONG poem. In it being long, it reflects the healing that comes through Jesus in His timing. God is in charge of the process, it is not for us to determine how fast and in what way wounds will and should be healed. Pick at it and you mess with the scabby process and start to bleed again. Trust the process through every annoying itchy stage and you will persevere and become the testimony God needs for a hurting world. A scarred testimony that is living proof of a living God.
Today God told me that the hidden girls that He had me praying for were NO LONGER HIDDEN! I’m full of praise and joyous celebration along with the rest of the world. In recent news the world has heard about the most amazing escape from captivity! Three women were kidnapped as teens by the same perpetrators on separate occasions and were held in bondage and captivity for 10 years together. They were stripped from their freedom, innocents and purity. The world heard the 911 call a few days ago, “I’m here and I’m free now!” We heard the cries from these women as they were rescued.
Copy and past this link for the rescue story:
http://abcnews.go.com/US/amanda-berry-gina-dejesus-return-home-cheers/story?id=19131036#.UY1I2pUqMy4
They are NO LONGER HIDDEN!!!!!!
Those words reminded me of the poem that I wrote and hid away when God first placed them on my heart in 2010. In the memory of writing it I realized today that my prayers were not to end, who better to pray these women through healing than me and others like me? I may never know them on this earth, but God will use the willing, and I am.
God clearly said to me that now is the time to share my poem, it is NO LONGER HIDDEN and I have nothing to fear.
This poem is RAW. It may even be uncomfortable to read. We cannot speed healing up for others or ourselves when we are walking in God’s presence trusting His timing. As you enter the different stages of a healing 7-year-old girl know that God is victorious, that his healing is complete. That at every stage I have became increasingly freed from the bondage of bitterness and live in a state of forgiveness. My story involves others along the way, other flawed but completely forgiven individuals.
God’s grace has no boundaries and never stops short...
No Longer Hidden
What makes a person
Not be destroyed
When their world was rocked
By the predator’s ploy
Taught to follow directions
Taught to obey
Not warned of the evil
That steals innocence away
“Relax” he says
So I do and it takes it’s course
It hurts in the dark
And it hurts even more
“Shhh” I hear
When the touches increase
Confused, can’t understand
And trapped in my sleep
Taught to trust him
To follow a command
Dishonor or disrespect?
Must submit to his hand
But I don’t like it
It makes my body move
A spot I didn’t know I had
His finger pushes through
OUCH!
Faintly I whisper, “no”
“It’s OK” he says
My reality just goes
It’s ok it’s ok
It’s ok when it’s not
It’s ok to betray
And to trigger that spot
Trust is shattered
Now I just endure
When will this stop?
What it’s for I’m not sure.
Closed my eyes each night
More and more came
More inside me
Endure and endure the same
Broken
No end
Desperate
Remain
Courage
To talk
“Please stop
The pain.”
Stillness
Quite
All alone
At last
Changed
No breath
Dead spirit
It’s passed
It’s ok it’s ok
It’s ok to forget
It’s ok to love him
When the next day is lit
On the phone
Struggling with words to define
“You must have been dreaming
But your awake now and your fine”
Start pretending
Believe the lie
Pain forgotten
No, just shoved inside
Grace without truth
A license to sin
I can do that
Immorality begins
I was 7 then
But now I’m 14
The blurred line remains
It’s Ok what’s not seen
Walls of protection
As the little girl cries
Do but don’t bond
As the teenager denies
What keeps a person
From sin that bounds?
Is it all that prayer
That God kept me around?
Truth be told
I knew of Grace
It’s all I had
In my hiding place
Freedom to express
An outlet is gained
Acting on stage
Pretending to be sane
In the process
A talent grows
Nothing wasted
In every show
To each character
I learned to be true
Fully devoted
I wore every shoe
Then true friendships
Opportunities to cope
Relationships
That filled me with hope
I was 7 then
But now I’m 21
Time for healing
Hiding is done
What is hidden
Traps us tight
For real freedom
Truth must see light
God’s Gentle process
A little girl wants release
So first it’s in a gift
A partner that loves me
A vessel of a new view
Supportive and trustworthy
No hidden manipulation
Willing to give and show mercy
Full of truth and sacrifice
So love is not what I thought
It does not shame my life
Or hurt me and control my spots
Face the truth
Let down the protective wall
Bondage from that sin
Is no small task to let fall
Allowed to be 7
And cry cuz it hurt
To say I was betrayed
I was treated like dirt
He did not act in love
Self absorbed ambition
With a desire to control
And feed a sinful condition
Disregarding the pain
Right before his eyes
Teaching that it’s ok
To feel his physical high
Crafty deception
Just compartmentalize
He’s “good with kids”
We all trust this “nice guy”
The betrayal digs deep
It destroyed my youth
Stolen away from me
A healthy relationship view
The little girl mourns
“I wasn’t given a chance”
Feeling the pain more
“You robbed my life dance”
It’s not ok it’s not ok
It’s not ok to pretend
It’s not ok this happened
God will heal where I’ve been
A testimony
Is not found in the dark
So I pray that someday
This will be a Kingdom mark
With my love by my side
I come clean at last
Some share my cries
While others just gasp
Tears and more tears
Freedom in saying it too
The burden is lifted
I’m cleansed, made new
Grace plus Truth
The juggling act
Evening the scale
Unwanted impact
Opened my mail
A note, a petition
“This is why it happened
I hope you won’t mention”
Going into marriage
I needed to be clean
I’m not out to destroy
Just reveal the unseen
Two times again
He talks in 3rd person
Fearing exposure
Fearing it will worsen
He Apologizes
He’s forgiven
He says “It’s done”
To all of it I listen
I was 7 then
But now I’m 28
Growing whole
And in my faith
An acting career
Lots of parts
But in South Africa
A perspective starts
I’ve got the talent
But again and again
Nothing glorifies
The One who gave this gem
Sin is a bad weed
That drains a fruit plant
My fruit seems ripe
But taste it I can’t
Right when you think
Something is in the past
Realization is met
Healing is not so fast
No quick fixes
In God’s time
Submit to the now
Let God draw the lines
And so pretending
Even in some small way
Keeps part of the root
Of falsehood at play
Search me and try me
I said it out loud before
To be a real kingdom player
I want to heal even more
No more pretending
My spirit grows weary
I want to glorify
Stop acting, Cold Turkey!
And that’s not all
Married and ready
“After years let’s try
To have a new baby
“It will not be passed on
In the power of Jesus’ name”
Humble to change the goal
Life’s not about my fame
A weed chopped at its base
Now the roots must die
Willing to do what it takes
To never live in a lie
See that is the root
That caused him to sin
To pass bondage on
Where nobody can win
My acting out
May look more pure
But coping is not freedom
That I know for sure
I don’t want any part
Of a root like that
I want a new view
A new season, a new hat
Then the call came
He’s on the other side
Looking at my baby girl
I sit down in the tide
But what he didn’t expect
Was a girl full grown
Not willing to submit
To a controlling tone
I had a goal
To not live in a lie
“Get behind me satin,
You can’t win if you try!”
Fear of exposure
I guess he was found out
Call to silence me
He can’t loose his clout
I’m not behind the talk
But it’s an interesting thing
He pleaded for silence
He said he was clean
“It” won’t work
There is no way
Old age maybe
Or maybe God’s say
And all I can think of
Is that need to control
That hidden place
That traps a soul
I’m a walking testimony
Is he still trapped?
“Shhh” I hear
Like I’m 7 on his lap!
A familiar tone
“It’s OK to forget”
What? Continue bondage?
Oh no, not with my whit!
We are not in heaven yet
That is the sad truth
Here I’m completely changed
Because of the abuse
Sin entered my life
Not by my choice
Jesus is healing the wound
I WILL glorify with my voice
Oh, I’ve prayed to forget
But it’s the thorn in my side
That keeps me honest
So to GOD I can abide
And what good
Is found in the dark?
My plea in prayer
Was for a kingdom mark
I said where I was at
All in first person
Caught him off guard
Not a comfortable position
“You abused authority
When I was only 7
It’s not yours to take back
My authority’s under heaven
“I’ll claim the victory
Only found in Christ
It takes open testimony
Not in malice, I’m nice”
“Relax” he says
As he reasons with me,
“People use to forgive
And also forget you see.”
I feel the scale shift
Grace slipping aside
Is he forgetting the truth
While asking me to abide?
I speak more harsh
“Are you kidding me?
You stole from my love
And want to keep it unseen!
“I forgive you for sure
The sin is in the past
And God’s grace on us
Is sufficient and will last
“But if your definition
Of forgiving is to lie
To not bring this around
To not testify
“Then you are asking
Me to stay trapped
And that I can’t do
I have a baby on MY lap”
I prayed while I spoke
“I’m free from all lies”
The end of his control
Is what he must have realized
“If God wants’ me to
I’ll talk about overcoming
About freedom from sin
For a heart that is willing”
“Well,” He responds,
“You sure have a voice and a will”
Not really appreciating
The courage God had instilled
“I’ll pray for you,” he ended
The conversation cut short
But I knew God was pleased
I’m not destroyed by a torch
Freedom and growth
I want it for all
But it takes time
To become that tall
I was 7 then
But now I’m 35
In front of crowds
A testimony thrives
I had to revisit
The time of pain
To tell the truth
To teach and train
Trapped in time
Was a little girl
Now released
My dress can twirl
Trapped in time
Was a little boy
Controlled by fear
Grasping for his toy
He remembers the moment
Of sexual abuse
By a trusted man
There is no excuse
Reason it away
Stay on top
Say, “It’s ok”
Even to a cop
He hid the times
Where sin just feeds
And multiplied
Because unmet needs
Behavior masked
Where a heart was attacked
The condition was severe
Secret sin kept him trapped
Trying to heal
In a hidden place
Trying to grow up
To warp time and space
What makes a person
Not be destroyed
When their world was rocked
By the predator’s ploy
When his heart gave out
He came face to face
With Jesus Christ
With truth and grace
Given the chance
To heal the right way
But healing takes time
No matter what you say
Right when you think
Something is in the past
Realization is met
Healing is not so fast
No quick fixes
In God’s time
Submit to the now
Let God draw the lines
As He does
We stand in awe
Live to worship
Gratitude so raw
Sometimes it hurts
Other times “it’s ok”
But always liberating
To do it His way
To embrace His love
Light of our soul
Let go even deeper
Giving up our control
A revengeful heart
Is a horrible trend
Hate the evil
But not the person within
Why fester bitterness
That is part of the root
Repent of it all
Give it the boot
Then redemption is met
Little children released
From all anger and malice
To see others as God sees
I saw a boy’s eyes
Looking back and forth
At the demons that surround
After he fell from the force
I never met the boy
Whose head hit the ground
But I can see where
He came back around
Our “tries” can fall short
But God knows our heart
As long as we are honest
Taking care of “our part”
We can’t will
Change in our lives
That is God’s job
Ours is to abide
God’s spirit is alive
To be able to wipe out
A wicked weed so deep
It’s what salvations about
I don’t know
Did the boy grow up?
I trust in God
And his healing touch
All I need to do
Is go forward all new
Praise God for protection
From the predator’s stew
No more guilt
No more waste
Must continue
In truth and grace
Cut from distractions
Humble to repent
This generation gets
A fully present parent
Able to read
And teach about
Heart conditions
And sin called out
Able to love
And fully embrace
Complete acceptance
The right kind of Grace
No lonely road
See, Jesus was sent
Not a lone ranger
We are interdependent
Struggles they know
I’ll pray them through
With so much compassion
I won’t hide their truth
And they will know
That we all have failed
The only perfect
Comes from Jesus’ bail
In humble repentance
Freedom we find
God’s full acceptance
Nothing can bind
I can’t see the future
But I trust in the unseen
I can see the hope
That perseverance can bring
I can rejoice in the truth
That has set us free
I can and I will
It’s not just for me
Our stories may differ
But this is the same
We are not destroyed
Because Jesus came
It is only God’s power
And His spirit in us
That sets us free
From what is not just
A life time of bondage
Is a life without freedom
And missed opportunities
To further his Kingdom
My girl is 7
My boy is 5
I pray for childhood
Not a place to hide
And when they are teens
I pray for a healthy view
Where fertilized time
Grows juicy fruit new
And into their twenties
Abiding in Love
Able to give and receive
All gifts from above
As healthy adults
My prayer is stronger yet
The lessons passed on
They will never forget
And on and on
Generations to follow
God is redeeming
The serpents swallow
That’s were it started
And we know the end
In the middle
We live to mend
No longer hidden
Don’t go and hide
You are dead to that
Jesus made you alive
Does God forget one
And pass him by
He never gives up
YOU are the why
By Michelle Fozounmayeh
Written on June 6, 2010
Slightly modified on May 10, 2013
