Friday, November 19, 2010

One Morning and Many Personalities

I was at a convention a few years back and watched a skillful presentation of the many "hats" a women wears.  After a nice introduction of each hat personality, these hats started to be reused and switched up until at last they were being stacked on top of each other in a frenzied effort to maintain each personality's integrity.  After searching the web I found that it had been borrowed before.  Knowing that the best ideas are usually stolen... or I mean... BORROWED, I took the liberty to borrow the concept and modify the personalities  for the start of my blog about examining lives.  But before any of that what better way to get started than to examine the many personalities that seem to appear out of nowhere in our day to day lives.  And sometimes in a matter of just minutes!  Because you know it's true that there are, at the very least, 3 different personalities fighting to stay alive in every women.  For example there is "Molly the Mom." She wears a silly monkey hat and sings everything to the tune of "rise and shine".
MOLLY: (silly monkey hat)  I-I read bo-oks, and bake lots of homemade cookies.  I hu-ug the ki-ids and drive away the spooky spookies!
And what about "Wendy the Worker" who wears a hard hat and has a "get down to business" persona.
WENDY: (hard hat) I am sick and tired of this job, all I do is work, work, work and no one ever appreciates me!
And lest we forget "Linda the Love Slave" who shows up with a sexy shall that sharply resembles a poorly homemade scarf and likes to add lots of tigerish growls to her intensely seductive tone.
LINDA: (scarf) I lounge around in my lingerie and lavish love words on my husband like, 'Lover, did you lock the door!  Groowwwllll!'
I don't think men really know how hard it can be for one little lady forced into this daily juggling act.  I mean really, I want my husband to know that I would make a killer Love Slave if I didn't have to be 2 other women at the same time.  I'd just wake up and say...
LINDA: (scarf) Good morning sweetheart, did you sleep well?  Let's just stay in bed a while and...
But then a baby cries or a child's footsteps are heard coming down the hall and the scarf is quickly replaced by a silly monkey hat.
MOLLY: (monkey hat) Ri-ise and shi-ine and give God the glory, glory.  Bru-ush your te-eth and I'll read you a story, story.
Which is then dramatically replaced by a hard hat.
WENDY: (hard hat) Pause that thought, I'll have to read that story later! I still need to pack your lunch, the diaper bag, clean up the dog's throw up and Aunt Maria will be here in 10 minutes for me to bring her to her Doctor's appointment.
And just like that I walk away with a "frustrated" husband and a confused child.  But do you really think the juggling stops there?  Oh me, oh my NO! One look at my son's wet crotch brings out "Courtney the Quarterback" who continuously has easy access to a Nerf football that seems to appear out of mid air.  She makes sure all the house plays are run and executed properly so a wet crotch on this field means it's time for "The Bathroom Run"
COURTNEY: (football) 1, 2, 3, Hut! Run down the hall and around the corner, into the bathroom.  Make sure your pants are all the way down.  Toilet seat up, aim for the center.. oh too far right.. little to the left and yea that's right, First Down!
And we all know that if there was a poopy that had to come out of that little guy then that calls for "Nancy the Nurse" who wears a stethoscope around her neck.  Her charts are extensive, imperative and she barely misses a thing.  No need for an actual real life nursing degree to care for the kids, husband, Aunt Maria, Grandma Gwen and the little old man who lives across the street.  She mends and documents all cuts, bruises, aches, pains, Dr. Visits, everything that goes in and everything that... comes out.
NANCY: (stethoscope) Two days ago his poopy was green and runny.  Yesterday he ate two banana, had rice for lunch and dinner and now it's as hard as a Uncle B's head.  Oatmeal for breakfast and it should be smoooooth sailing tomorrow.
After helping my son "wipe", I take note of the two squares of toilet paper left on the roll and "Arlene the Accountant" is on top of it!  Wearing a tie she calculates.
ARLENE: (tie) If I get toilet paper and not the nail polish I'm still under $5 and don't have to withdraw from the ATM next to the drug store for a $2 charge.  You see I take care of the cash flow including tithe, lunch money, writing checks and I record the ATM's he doesn't.
Next "Suzanne the Psychologist" cant help but give her 2 cents, putting her reading glasses on the very tip of her nose and looking at me in the mirror...
SUZANNE: (glasses) Now why do you think he does not record his ATM's?  What was his relationship like with his mother?
Knowing that sort of questioning will lead me to nowhere good I quickly return my thoughts to the lack of bottom wiping material presently in our home, which inevitably reminds me of yet another errands, yet another "stop" that my soccer mom van has to make in between the kids piano lessons and karate... that is if I can't fit it in this morning. Fighting against the taxi mom image, I can muster up, "Charlotte the Chauffeur" with a snooty and quite annoying attitude of disgust wearing a chauffeur hat.
CHARLOTTE: (chauffeur hat) I drove 4,000 miles last week and permanently small like french fries!
As I walk to the kitchen to get out the oatmeal the chauffeur hat is quickly replaced by a chef hat and out of nowhere I start to talk with a really bad German accent!  "Helga the Housekeeper!"
HELGA: (chef hat) French fries!  French fries!  No wonder they wont eat my cooking, they are always eating French Fries!
By now there is some sort of bickering going on upstairs.  I'm not sure if it is the sound of my kid's voices or the voices in my head that makes "Priscilla the Princess" emerge wearing a cute crown that comes straight from my daughter's dress up princess costumes.  As I pause in front of the sink, it's almost as if I am on stage at a pageant.  Standing before the judges who have just asked a question about what my vision would be for this morning as the kids get off to school.  I place one hand on the microphone and one hand over my heart.  With the the most inspirational tone, I speak.
PRISCILLA: (princess crown) I wish for household peace.  And... to lock myself in the bathroom, take a bubble bath and do my nails!
As reality swiftly sweeps back because my microphone is spraying water on my shirt, "Sarah the Server" puts on her apron and boldly states her priorities!
SARAH: (apron) I give all my TIME to serving others.  You can't name a church committee that I haven't been on.  I've helped 10 people move, built 15 houses in Mexico, fed over 1000 homeless and delivered 4 meals... all last week.  I have a hard time saying, 'no.'
And right on cue my daughter takes advantage of that by asking for some ice cream.
MOLLY: (silly monkey hat) Ye-es you ca-an, later gater after dinner!
And at the very mention of dinner my husband has to ask what we might be having that night.
LINDA: (scarf) Oh I don't know, grrroowwwll, I could peel some grapes and rub your feet.
Without time to take off the scarf the chef hat appears...
HELGA: (chef hat- German accent) Hold on, Dinner?  You want dinner again?  I just cooked dinner last night.  No!  And put on your shoes!
WENDY: (hard hat) I can't think about dinner now!  I still have to change the baby's diaper, finish packing the kids lunches and Aunt Maria will be here any minute!
With a glance at the clock I realize that there is no time to switch up the hats, just keep adding...
NANCY: (add stethoscope) I'm bringing her to her doctor's appointment today.
SARAH: (add apron) And because she's my aunt I can't say no!
MOLLY: (add monkey hat) Kids!  Time to get in the cary-cary!
CHARLOTTE: (add chauffeur hat) I'll get the car.
WENDY: (touch hard hat) Let's go! we're late!
HELGA: (add chef hat-German accent) I'll get the lunches, without french fries!
LINDA: (swoop the scarf) And without grapes, those are for later! ummm, growl.
ARLENE: (tie) Thank God those grapes were on sale at the market yesterday!
SUZANNE: (glasses) Did his mother feed him grapes?
Covered from head to waist with hats, scarfs, glasses and ties I sense it's time for a very important "play" in the house.  "The Transport Play"  I can't really get a good grip on the football due to the memorabilia all over my body, but I do have a SF 49ers helmet that by husband purchased and just happens to fit my head!  So with a loose grip on the ball, hoping not to fumble, I throw on the helmet and pray I don't get hurt... because I might just have to run this play on my own!
CORTNEY: (football and helmet) 1, 2, 3 Hut! Kid's go long for your lunches... oh no, your covered!!!  Ok I'll do it, and I'll grab the baby, the diaper bag, Aunt Maria and everyone is in the car!  (hands on steering wheal)  And we're driving down the field at the 50, and the 40... kids drop off!
MOLLY: (monkey hat) Have a good day-ee day-ee!
CORTNEY: (helmet) At the 30 and 20... Aunt Maria Drop off.
NANCY: (stethoscope-yelling out window) Don't forget to tell them about your lab results!
CORTNEY: (helmet) And the 10... drug store for TP!  And at the 5... back home, sleeping baby in crib, lock myself in the bathroom and... TOUCH DOWN!!!!
PRISCILLA: (crown) oh pickles, I chipped a nail!

And that is one morning with many womanly personalities examined!
Sort of.


  1. I was tired just reading it! So true and we live that life EVERY DAY!

  2. Looking forward to reading more Michelle! Good luck on your new endeavor!

  3. How do you do it? Its hard enough to be so busy, let alone be able to figure out which of the many hats you have on. So which hat is your favorite?.... I see this would make for a fun children s' book someday.

  4. I so love you! Just this week I spoke at church and gave so many great traditions that I learned from OUAF! I can tell you, I'm about 2 years behind on everything... go figure! Glad to see you are writing. Looking forward to reading!